The best blogs are raw. They are dirty. Messy. Emotional. They tell the story of the writer and exposes their souls for the readers to consume. You sometimes look irresponsible or even petty. Self-centered or naive. But the reality is, that's the way it should be no matter what it looks like because it's the truth. It's fact. It's irrefutable because it's a story that can be told over and over again without skipping a beat. You don't have to reach deep to remember what you said because you felt it so much so that you always remember. Even when you reread your work you get chills........each time........without fail.
I write a little more sporadic now. It's my baby girl's fault. She's four months old and she takes every bit of time I've got left in a day after working. I'm not complaining though. She's everything. She's sunshine. She's sugar........pure sweetness. Lights up an entire room with her gummy smile. I love to sniff her baby breath. Give her tons of kisses and snuggle with her. They never stay small long. My oldest taught me that. I stare at him through the tears sometimes because he stole my heart so long ago and before I know it he'll be gone on his way. These two. These two beautiful humans that I make up a part of. I breathe for them. They've taught me so much. So much about myself. So much about selfless love. So much about sacrifice and commitment. Relentless protection…………I provide them. For no one will ever be able to get near them to create pain as long as I’m here. I’m shielding them from as much as possible. Until I can’t any longer. The joys of realizing something so much greater than yourself. Love beyond love.
Because of them I know more about love but still find myself, outside of them, asking myself what is love? What is love in a cold world? That's a good question.........I guess I'd be biased answering that because the amount of love I've given in this lifetime at times has come back void. Leaving a gaping hole in my soul so deep that it seems impossible to fill. I know it's because I selflessly gave to the wrong people. Expected love back in the same capacity. Unwilling to accept unmatched love and looking at it as defeat instead of an opportunity to do better because I knew better. It's different than what the kids teach me. The purest form of love is what I have for them and they have for me........but outside of that, the gambles I have taken have left me open. But not in the way you may think. Not in a way that leaves me open for the right type of love. Not in a way that gives eagerness to love again. No.......not that. On the contrary.
At this point I'm exposed. Open for the world to see. A living example of what it looks like to live. Make mistakes. Begin again. And then again. Make a choice. Regret it. Make a different choice.........change paths with incomplete thought. But it's quite alright. It's all a part of growing right? Baring your soul for all to see what it looks like to fall 80 times and get back up 81. Hear no 100 times but ask again because 101 is that yes you waited so long for. Understanding defeat so you can bask in the success. In front of everyone who thought you'd fail…………demonstrating that you are a winner. A true unadulterated winner!! Dressing yourself in the confidence you once lost because you allowed someone else to be the validator of it. The moment you take it all back is so liberating and such a moment of growth and self-acceptance.
This is what good blogs are made of. Truth. A story that can be told only in the way you tell it. Feelings that can only be articulated by you……………but something that so many people can respect and connect to because it’s nothing but the silent struggle that other people go through. It makes me want to get back to writing. My life has transitioned to a place where I have different stories. There are still teachable moments that I will always share with my readers mixed in with the highs in life that I experience because the way that I move now is different. Release. Acceptance. Truth. Truth to self. Honesty. Living in the fullness of the moment. Not beating myself up for feeling a certain way about something but not allowing myself to be enslaved by those feelings. Letting them go after I deal with things especially when I know there is nothing I can control within it but myself and the way I move forward. The changes are scary as you think about how people have previously received you and what you shared. Will they want that? Will they roll with the changes? Will they grow with you? Time is the determining factor of that.
Stay tuned Lovies!