Getting Back To Whole

Today I had a great conversation with a girlfriend and it brought up something that causes me to be a bit unsettled at times.  At some point in life, as we are growing, we begin to evaluate our choices.  No matter what they were, good or bad, we analyze exactly where those choices have gotten us and dissect the lessons we have had to learn from those decisions.  Regardless to the type of people we are, admitting how we got where we are can be difficult when letting missteps define us.  Often it's because we are only focused on those missteps and how they appear to have us off our game and off track.  Speaking for myself, some of the decisions I felt were the worst and pushed me off course the most are the ones that I really hate to explain to myself because they make me become doubtful in myself and my ability to make realistic choices.  They make me feel incomplete and a little uncertain.  Those are the moments when I feel the least whole as a person because the residuals of those decisions make me feel empty and weak.  Then we were tossing around the question……………."How do you get back to whole?"

How do you get back to a place where the faith you have in yourself is more solid and stable?  How do you begin to forgive yourself for being human and making a mistake?  How do you decide that even after making a decision that detoured you, you are still enough and sufficient for the rest of life………..capable of getting back on track better than ever?  I believe that these questions don’t have cookie cutter answers.  Simply because at the end of the day, you’ve got to take the journey........as a matter of fact you MUST..........and it’s not going to be the same as the next persons.  You are going to have to walk your path and replace self-loathing and doubt with self-appreciation and assurance.  It sounds really easy to say but trust that I know it’s harder to do.  It is my daily struggle as I continue to battle life’s choices.  What I can say is that no matter how long it takes to answer those questions, you have to push yourself along and find the internal strength to reach them.  Every minute you spend doubting yourself because of terrible decisions you have made is a minute less that can be used to enjoy where you currently stand.  Do you want to continue to waste those minutes?  Precious time you can’t get back?

Something else that came out of that conversation with her that I felt important to share was not allowing what you have been through to change the essence of you.  She said something to me today and my first response was, “girl I’m tainted and jaded and I don’t have time for anything outside of my current expectation because my patience is NON-EXISTENT.”  It made me recognize how hard I’ve gotten as a person.  How unwilling to be unwavering and forgiving I've become.  How easy it is for me to be a different person than I once was.  It’s tragic to be honest with you because no matter what people say, everyone is changed by their life’s experiences.  You can’t help but to evolve as an individual.  But the real truth behind that is to change for the better.  NOTHING should ever make you alter who you are inside.  What it should do, if nothing else, is give you the knowledge and wherewithal you need to alter how much of yourself you pour in to things because you are able to see what deserves everything and what deserves only pieces and portions of your time, attention and self.  It’s a self-control mechanism that we all should have.  A switch that says, I’m okay with me and I love who I am, but if this “thing” doesn’t deserve the extraordinary core of me, then I’m not planning on exposing that portion of myself.  And let me tell you something……………..that is perfectly fine.  It preserves YOU. 

As individuals we are never going to have perfect lives that are full of joy every second we exist.  It’s unrealistic to believe that.  But the wholeness that we all want to feel is a process.  A development.  A place we arrive when we begin to see that we are enough period.  We are enough and all we offer to the world is sufficient.  It’s important not to define yourself by what someone else is doing or by someone else's standards.  You do not have to put yourself in a box for the sake of acceptance by others.  I always say that I’m so dynamic that I could never be put in a box.  I accept all of my flaws and all my crazy and all my overly ambitiousness and all my inquisition and all my passion and all my attitude and everything else that makes up the entirety of who I currently am.  Every day I work more and more at that and try to give less and less to my lack in judgment.  Fill myself with reassurance that I am not my mistakes and they do not have to be what I see when I look in the mirror.  I’m learning to make the best out of every situation no matter how bad they may seem because out of every mess is a message and out of every test is a testimony.  You can take a lemon full on and it will leave a sour taste in your mouth but if you put it in a good pour of cold vodka you can make one hell of a martini.  The choice is up to you.

Advice: Define your own meaning of what it means to be whole.  Comparing yourself and your life to others will never give you satisfaction.  We often look into the lives of others envying what APPEARS to be what we want, but don’t be fooled.  You don't know what is real and what is being put out as an illusion for the world.  Everyone is working to maintain and continue living a sane and balanced life.  Stay in your lane, do what works for you, water your own grass and cultivate your own growth. 

Until Next Time Lovies!

Miss B

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