From scratch? The beginning? A do over? You're serious? Return to Go.......without my two hundred dollars???? I stand in the mirror saying that out loud lately. My only sanity being my faith and the complete and total fact that I KNOW God is moving me. Closing some doors and opening others. So smooth that I know it isn't me. The way things happen sometimes lets us know it isn't of our own volition. We'd never be able to accomplish some of these things on our own and the older I get the more clear that becomes.
After deciding to scrap things and make major changes in my life, I realized much too late that I’d feel the many things I had no choice but to allow myself to feel. Incredible sadness, defeat, failure, anger, resentment and whatever else you could possibly feel when giving up things you think you need. THE PROCESS!! Since the calm comes after the storm, of course I began to feel very peaceful and very settled in that peace. I probably felt that because everything we THINK we need in our lives is not really what we need. Who defines what success and failure really is in life? What does it equate to? For most people it's probably money, wealth and the comforts that those things afford them like nice cars, fancy houses, expensive clothes and other things. And though those things are nice to have, wealth is starting to mean something a little different to me........peace and happiness.
I've had a good job since I was eighteen. I've owned two homes. I've traveled. I've shopped at Neiman Marcus, Bergdorf’s and Sax’s Fifth Avenue. I've had nine different cars and all the clothes and shoes a girl could ask for (well maybe not all! lol).........but the wealthiest I've ever felt was when I was surrounded by people I truly loved and that loved me. Enjoying life while making irreplaceable and unrepeatable memories with those people. It’s the feeling of complete joy because you’re surrounded by positive energy and positive people. Making everything in the world feel insignificant because all that matters is what you feel in that moment. Life is in perspective in those moments. That's what I now consider wealth because it's something you can't buy. You can't buy that type of happiness. You can't fill your life with that type of joy by paying for it.
I recently blogged about the fact that I was purging from my life everything I thought was frivolous. Clothes, shoes, jewelry, household items. Downsizing as much as I possibly could. The bags and bags of stuff I gave away or donated was unreal. The rooms of furniture I discarded of from rooms I never even went in, ridiculous! The home decor I had collected over the years I didn't even need. Stuff was coming from everywhere and it made me feel so wasteful! Truthfully, the time I thought that I needed that stuff isn’t that far behind me but life has a way of bringing you to the point you need to be just when you need to be there. Looking at myself in the mirror and re-evaluating where I want to go has been sobering and humbling to say the least. Six months ago wouldn't give a stranger insight in to who I am today because it wouldn't have even given me insight!
There are no rules that we can follow when it comes to personal growth. Like anything else, it’s something you have to come to when you’re ready. Realizing what is important in life to you and what kind of life you want to live is a process that only those willing to take hard looks at their choices, where they have been and where they want to go can truly discover about themselves. I envisioned a life much different for myself than the one I have now. I always thought I needed certain things in life to “arrive” at this predetermined place that I set inside my mind. Maybe because my childhood yielded lessons I was probably too young to learn and too vulnerable to be susceptible to. Too inexperienced to navigate. So I created the dream I had so long ago and one day that dream was laying at my feet in pieces…………me looking down at the pieces…………confused as to why they were laying there. That’s why the realization of where I needed to go became so urgent to uncover. I’m not getting any younger and I needed to find a way to make the rest of my life the best of my life.
Since I last shared, I have pounced up and down on the RESET button like a wild animal! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an easy process and the process is continuous. But what I can say about it is this; there is no greater feeling than freeing yourself from everything YOU held yourself hostage to. Everything you THOUGHT you needed but never needed at all. I always tell people that God has allowed me to have so much of what I thought I needed so that He could show me just how much it was unnecessary. I won’t say that I’ve mentally scaled back from what I deem to be success entirely, but the importance of those things has changed because they don’t bring me the type of satisfaction that irreplaceable things like self-love, happiness, family, friends and internal peace have brought me. I’d rather have simple things that complete life than complicated things that confuse it. No matter what I have to cut loose to get there the loss is worth it to me now. The initial pain of it sometimes feels unbearable but the other side of the process is a feeling that is priceless.
We worry so much about things we can’t control. Things that keep us up at night because we don’t understand them or we don’t have the answers that we felt we needed from them. As my purge process continues and I release the ties that have bounded me, that need to control situations beyond me subsides. I think it’s important for us all to understand we aren’t meant to understand everything! And in times that things seems very unclear, though unclear in that moment, it always has a purpose in your life. I have had to deal with a great deal of upset in the last four years………….much unexplained loss and all I felt COMPLETELY unnecessary. But growth gives me hope that even in the loss, the latter will be greater. The gains will be immeasurable. The overflow will come so hard that everyone around me will be blessed beyond measure……………because I’ve always tried to stay true to who I was, treat people the way I’ve wanted to be treated and learn everything I can to be better later on down the line.
Until Next Time Lovies!