Apologies: Who Are They Really For?

When you wrong someone you probably start to think about it after you either don’t get what you want or you grow up and realize that you did something incorrectly.  Once you get to that place, you start processing to be better, praying about it for forgiveness and reaching out to the people you wronged to set things straight.  At that point you are likely feeling you need to do that in order to clear your conscious so that you can move forward in life without home girl Karma hanging over your head in future endeavors.

I started thinking as a person who has received a hundred apologies in this life (and given a thousand) what it actually has done for me when I was the receiver.  It takes a big person to admit their wrong and apologize because they don’t have to do that, but it can stir up a lot of emotion once reflecting on the details behind the apology.  I wonder exactly who the apology is for because if nothing else, I feel cool in the beginning that the person actually is remorseful, but then I’m pissed off shortly thereafter because they are bringing something to me that I’ve moved on from……or at least attempted.  It brings the moment back to the forefront.  I’m sure that is NOT what people expect but hey……………I think entirely too much for someone to come back to me well after the fact with a “By the way, my bad”.

So the questions of the day are how much should you allow it to affect you when it comes and what does it mean when it has a negative impact?  The truth is, there is no way to measure how you should take it but you shouldn’t allow it to knock you off kilter as I have done so many times in the past (learn from my mistakes!).  I think it’s important to embrace the feelings that do come from an apology because it’s a part of your process as well.  I remember when I broke up with one of my exes, he came back over a year later apologizing for the ridiculously long list of things he did wrong.  I was so far removed from the situation and so unconcerned that it didn’t bother me at all.  But that was because I was completely done and over it.  I didn’t care what he did no matter how bad it was in the beginning.  Even after reflection I could have cared less and was completely unmoved.  What it did do was keep reminding me to shut him down every time he tried to date me after!  It proved to me that I had truly dealt with it so the apology was just an added bonus confirming that he had taken responsibility for his wrong. 

However, there is always that negative impact and I am all too familiar with that.  When I do allow an apology to have a destructive impact on me, I get a little disappointed in myself.  That’s inviting that energy into your space just because someone decided to disrupt it to gain their own peace of mind.  The truth of the matter is that when they are seeking closure and peace for themselves and you get upset, you’re revealing that you aren’t fully healed from the ordeal.  If they can so easily upset you, you haven’t let go of things yourself.  That is the wake up call you need to sit down and determine what you are holding on to, why and begin your own process of moving forward.  Most importantly, remember not to beat up on yourself and FORGIVE YOURSELF too.  The bigger problem is letting yourself off the hook for how you deal with situations and allowing yourself to process through hurt in the way that makes the most sense for you.  If nothing else, that apology came along for you to reflect, deal and unpack those unnecessary things from your carry-on bag.

I don’t want people to believe I am saying not to apologize for their wrong or accept apologies, but only to realize that they come with a variety of emotions most of the time.  It can be rather freeing on both ends and sometimes it can be hurtful during the period of reflection.  It’s the risk that is taken when someone makes a decision to be on the giving and receiving ends of this exchange.  Most times life gives you an opportunity to address the hurts of the heart so you are able to accept other things in life that are more of a benefit to you.  I believe that’s why periods of time like these come.  Unless you fully deal with the things in life that you have been through, you will always take the residuals of your past into the new things that you will experience.  There is no fairness in that for you or the others that are involved.  Most importantly, just embrace it all as a lesson of life, communicate whatever you are feeling about it in whatever way you need to, completely deal with it and MOVE ON.

Until Next Time Lovies!

Miss B

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