I think there comes a time in every relationship where communication is challenged. You will certainly almost always reach an impasse that creates a consideration amount of contention. What I find for myself is that it often leads down the road of resentment and regret. This begs the following question: How do you avoid this point in order to avoid this conflict all together? How do you save yourself from the headache that comes from this fork in the road that is always inevitable to reach?
I know I’m not the only person that finds themselves stifling their feelings in order to avoid a fight. I don’t want to argue or have a disagreement that I know I can avoid if I just keep my mouth shut. Especially if I don’t feel the fight will be beneficial to my cause. The problem that I have with this is that I begin to have a very CLEAR attitude………….EVERY TIME I DO THIS. You can see that I am frustrated and completely irritated by the words that I am not saying so I have come to realize for myself that the way I handle situations is not always the best way. On the other hand, I have sometimes over communicated and complicated a situation that didn’t require the complications! How do I win? I know you are asking that because I am asking myself the same thing. For a moment I thought that trying to talk through every single thing I felt was the best way to stop the stalemate between me and the person on the opposite end of my argument. As I have grown I realize that there are many different ways to deliver a message and every situation requires it’s very own set of handling instructions.
Communication failures have been my guiding light throughout this new stage in my life. In order to deal with where I am and evaluate how to handle something I think of a few different things before moving forward with my delivery. My first thought is honesty. You’ve got to be honest with yourself about your feelings and why you feel the way you do about something. Fully understanding yourself is the only way to truly work through something that is bothering you. It takes work to get to a point where you can whole heartedly expose yourself to yourself but nothing is ever impossible. Sometimes you are in a particular place just out of sheer habit. Often times what you are used to becomes a habit that there is almost a unwillingness to break and it stifles the growth in communicating true feelings to anyone else let alone understanding them for ourselves before attempting to articulate them.
Recently I have found myself in a situation that makes me feel I’m in between a rock and a hard place. Being that supportive person in another person’s life can sometimes suffocate you. It can make you minimize yourself to allow the other person space they need to flourish, grow and feel comfortable in their own skin. But this is not right!!! They can’t grow when someone is just patting them on the back and making them feel good about where they are. That’s not reality and it doesn’t afford them an opportunity to be stretched or challenged because they have not been checked or called out on their madness. For me, this is becoming a bit more difficult because I know the type of person I can be. My delivery has not always been that great and I have not always been mindful of another person’s feelings. So now I’m overly cautious and overly aware of what I say which starts me down the road of resentment. Resentful because my mindfulness is making me uncomfortable, changing our dynamic and creating a tension that can’t truly be justified because it has grown out of the lack of communication on me end.
As I’m riding down that road I’m angry because what I truly feel I’m holding inside. Like I said before, eventually those feelings become realized because who is ever themselves bottling up their true emotion? No one. It’s not fair to you or the person you are holding the emotion back from because one way or another they will surface and it can end up doing more harm than the honesty you so lovingly tried to spare them from. As easy as it is to say and as much as I know it to be true, it’s a daily struggle that is becoming entirely too much for me to bare at this point in my life. It is making it clear to me that it is time to stand where the rubber meets the road, put on my big girl panties, and own my damn feelings!
There are also situations where I realize that even in owning my feelings, sometimes they are not warranted. I’ve blogged before about getting too emotionally involved with friends, family or significant others and acting on that emotional irrationally. The truth of the matter is, you don’t get to have feelings about the way someone else is living their lives. Even if you completely don’t support where they are or what they do, they have to live out their own choices and live with the consequences of them. No matter how much you love them and want the best for them, you can’t fight for a person who doesn’t look at things from your same perspective. Individual shoes in this life. Individuals choices. Individuals roads to travel. As long as that is kept in perspective, life is in proper perspective.
So as I type this and expose this place I stand in, I hope it makes it easy for someone else to see the personal detriment when bottling up what they feel, when it’s time to communicate and when it just needs to be left alone all together. Even if you struggle with being true and honest with other people, learning to be honest with yourself will always help set the tone for honesty across the board. It will bring you into a place where you feel much freer because you aren’t walking around with pinned up emotions that are only festering because they aren’t being dealt with or you haven’t come to the realization not to feel any type of way at all. I have ruined some and scarred other relationships by being extremely on either side……………..giving too much too soon, not giving enough soon enough or giving at all when I shouldn’t have given a thing. What I can say is that I am finally looking in the mirror at the myriad of emotion that floods me in every aspect of communicating with someone I care for. I am learning to take control and know when it’s time to address it and also when it’s not my place at all.
Until Next Time Lovies!