To The Bitter End

I have come to learn throughout my years of dating that relationships end all the time and there is nothing wrong with that.  Every person that you encounter is not meant to be in your life for a lifetime but they are definitely there to teach you something valuable about who you are and what you are capable of.  If you are doing your part, you are picking up the lessons that come with each relationship and you are becoming a better person for yourself and your next one.  The key to this is not being bitter and creating an unbearable situation that doesn’t allow you to move forward in peace.  A conversation with a good girlfriend this morning made it clear to me though that some people just aren’t capable of doing this.  They drag you along and do their best to cultivate an environment of discomfort in the moving on process.

The conversation I had with her stemmed from our feelings about the public divorce of one of our favs………Mary J Blige.  Her soon to be ex-husband is really dragging her through the courts to pretty much take her for all that he can.  It made me ask myself why people are so vicious.  Why do they have to do their best to hurt you at the end of a relationship?  Why does their bitterness have to effect the way the relationship ends and why can’t it just end amicably if both parties know that it’s time to move on?  I’m sure that the signs were all there before we saw that they were separating and he probably knows as well as she does that it was best.  But I want to know what makes him feel so entitled that he can create a list full of things she needs to do for him in the divorce instead of just moving on?  Regardless to what he feels he did for her while the marriage went on career wise, why doesn’t he feel that he was compensated enough in the process?

I’m always one full of questions when it comes to dealing with other people so I asked myself……… What makes people so vindictive at the end of a relationship?  When I think about myself and I think about the relationships that I have had, the only thing I can think of is if someone cheated or left the relationship emotionally before you were prepared to let them go.  But the truth of the matter is, if that was the case and that was the choice they made, isn’t it wise to just let them walk?  We see a lot of memes all the time where they say when someone leaves your life let them.  At that point it is clear they weren’t the right person for you.  So if we know this to be the fact, what good does it do your heart and soul to torture them just because you are emotionally unsettled about the way things have transpired?  We are ultimately responsible for our own decisions.  Being capable of moving on and letting go of something unbeneficial is really a choice that we are responsible for making.  It’s a choice we MUST make and it’s healthy for our state of mind when things happen.  Though the heart and emotions are sensitive, they can’t be repaired making someone else’s life hell because we can’t deal with our own emotional turmoil.  As adults you would think we all learned that lesson but we all know……………..with age and life does not come maturity and logic.

Her situation also made me wonder what happens in a relationship that can change a person so much they behave in this manner.  Do we not see that this is who they were or what they were capable of when we were with them?    Do we have to take some responsibility in their shift when they act out in this way?  Is it detectable?  Sure you may not ever know what one is capable of if you haven't experienced EVERYTHING with them, but is there a way to gauge someone's level of crazy? Will it help them with any type of healing process if we own any portion of the trigger that caused them to respond vindictively and with malice in their hearts?  I think it’s critical for growth that everyone takes ownership of their actions period point blank.  There is no question for me when it comes to that.  I personally do not like to feel that I am solely to blame for a situation that went wrong when it takes more than one person to turn a good situation bad (MOST of the time).  The decision to step up and be responsible for your part is just the beginning of letting go of something toxic and something that is completely over and done with.  Dragging it out and exuding complete pettiness is only an agitator that will make horrible memories and dislike between the parties involved.  You have to ask yourself how worth it that really is.

Learn To Let Go, Grow and Move On.

When people fail to allow relationships to end gracefully, it’s because of their own fears and insecurities.  When people lash out in the way that he appears to be doing, it only makes them look like That Guy who can’t seem to be mature enough to make peace with the end and move forward with their lives.  Painful Heart Matters don’t just abruptly arise in one’s life and relationships don’t just disintegrate.  There are always telltale signs that something is not right or that something is amiss whether we want to admit that openly or not.  I’ve never been married but in love to the edge of it………….In the end I realized that in that situation, no matter the ending, we control our own destiny in terms of the move forward steps we chose to take.  No matter what was done, we don’t have a right to hold anyone hostage to their choices and decisions.  They have to deal with and pay for whatever they put out into the universe……………as do we.  I say this because I’m the biggest grudge holder on the planet and often times it’s hard for me not to remind someone or even myself what happened but it’s simply unfair and something I am learning every day to eradicate from my thought process.

Word To The Wise: Painful situations that you continue to revisit that continue to be painful, let it be.    

But with all things being put in to perspective, no matter the things you can find that were a benefit in that situation, letting go is even more of a blessing than we often see when going through it.  The heart often wants what it wants and even though I have preached following your heart at times……………if there is a consistent ache because of the decision you made, it is likely not the wisest thing for you to do.  You have to take caution in how you proceed because holding on to anything that isn’t good for you causes so much damage and often times people don’t recover from it in the way they would have if they would have just kept it moving.

Until Next Time Lovies!

Miss B

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