The Reach Back

I would love to have my best friend (whom is the queen of questions) to poll a bunch of men and ask them the following questions: 

  • Why do you reach out to your exes?
  • Why are they exes if you keep reaching out?
  • Why are you reaching out to them when you are involved seriously or married?
  • What is your expectation when you reach out?

All of this stems from some unusual and semi-consistent correspondence that I have received lately from EXES or guys I have talked to and considered dating but nothing ever materialized.  Some are married or seriously involved and when I think about that, it baffles me as to why I’ve crossed their mind enough for them to “check” on me or see how I’m doing.  I’m not sure I will ever understand this because for me, I never have those moments where I even care.  They don’t cross my mind at all in any way.  I almost toe the line of annoyed when I hear from any of them.

I was in a restaurant a few weeks ago having dinner with some girlfriends and I saw an ex walk past me with another woman.  Not just any restaurant either.  A very upscale place that would require at least a hundred dollar bill to have a reasonable dinner.  I’d like to assume that makes her a little bit special!  He didn’t see me but I saw him and had no desire whatsoever to make it known that I was in the vicinity.  After all, he’s in my past and his being there with another woman meant nothing to me.  Typically how it works when an ex is an ex.  A few months after, he reached out to say he was thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing.  At first I just looked at the message to ask myself why.  I’m a jerk so I was about to ask him why until I realized at that moment I didn’t care.  I thanked him, said I was well, wished him well and kept it moving.  Never even mentioned seeing him………………….though I thought about it.

What I want to know from men is whether or not they know it doesn’t make sense to bring their past into their present.  Do they know that it creates unnecessary drama and confusion and at times makes it impossible to focus on what they are doing in the moment?  Don’t get me wrong, I understand some people work better as friends or WHATEVER the excuse is for keeping in touch with someone they had a relationship with…………………but at the end of the day, anyone you had any romantic ties to should not be someone you continue to talk to when involved with someone seriously.  It’s a distraction.  It’s disrespectful.  It’s unnecessary.  And it really does show your lack of ability to focus on and commit to one specific thing at a time without feeling the need to have a hold on something else.  Almost like you need a fall back plan or something.  That’s just my observation.  It seems that people who do this need security so they don’t feel they will have to be alone at anyone point.  That fear of loneliness. 

That brings about another question: who are these women that feel special because he reached back knowing he’s involved?  (blog for a different day)

What I have learned most of all when it comes to men who reach back into their past is that they aren’t ready for a stable future where they are focused only on the person they are with.  Makes me wonder why they marry and settle down.  The past is what it is for a reason and if there is any doubt that the person you released is someone you want back, who you have chosen to settle with should be released as well.  It’s unfair to straddle the fence because you are confused.  It leaves feelings and emotions in the balance while you are figuring it out and determining what is best for you.  It’s dishonest and it is immature whether you see it in that way or not.  The best thing you can do is stay single until you figure it out to avoid anything that could end up jeopardizing the feelings of those you claim to care about and you end up alone.

Until Next Time Lovies!

Miss B

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